Wednesday, August 19, 2009

The In-Betweens of Holly Malone - Re: Sex Tapes

I have some thoughts on sex tapes.

It’s, you know, a Tuesday, so yet another “leaked” tape has emerged from the abyss of Hollywood actors on their downtime. The latest is Eric “McSteamy” Dane and his wife Rebecca “Noxema” Gayheart. The couple, along with some former beauty queen girl gone Hollywood madam are running around in their skivvies and bathing together or something. Now, this might surprise some of you out there who are aware of my all-in reputation when it comes to sex, but truly, ENOUGH WITH THE SEX TAPES!

Look, I get it, maybe your career feels stagnant, or the part your playing on a certain show has type cast you in some way that you don’t like so one night, while sitting at home having a few beers you look over at your little shelf of old VHS tapes and you think, ‘Wait a minute! I am incredibly good looking! And I captured myself in all my naked incredibly good-looking glory, having sex with someone else who is incredibly good looking! The public must be informed!’

And thus, the release (better known as ‘the leak’) of the tape occurs.

I love sex as much as anyone (okay, truth be told, I love it more than most), but I no longer videotape it, nor do I have sex with someone who asks to videotape it. And here’s why: if I’m going to take the time to have sex with you, I want you playing to me NOT the cameras. Focus people! Focus! I’m sure that if you’re thinking about how to angle yourself so that it’s the most complimentary to the camera, that you are NOT focusing on my orgasm. So, unless you’re inventing a new move in the bedroom that is to unbelievable without proof, nobody needs to see you humping someone else.

Oh, and by the way, I watched the Dane/Gayheart/Whoever tape and they never even have sex! They’re just drunk or high and naked. And to that I say, BORING! I have things to do.


No comments: